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MY ABORTION Twenty-one years ago, I had an abortion. My heart still feels the pain of what I did to my baby and to God. God gave me a gift and I did not accept it, because I couldn't see how beautiful it was. God even showed her to me in a dream. She was about 1 year old, sitting on a bed wearing a pretty dress. She had fair skin and dark hair. God tried to reach me, but I was too self centered at the age of 23. I turned my emotions off and focused only on what was "practical." I was barely able to take care of myself and felt that I didn't want to raise my baby on welfare. I told myself that I was doing the right thing, because I had grown-up poor and I knew how hard that was. I found many, many ways to rationalize it to myself. I told myself I had NO choice but to have an abortion. I loved my boyfriend dearly and felt very strongly that I didn't want to ruin his life or make him feel like he had to marry me. I had heard about placing babies up for adoption, but again I convinced myself that I wasn't strong enough to give my baby up. So, I never really allowed myself to consider all my options. Plus, I was embarassed to let people know that I was pregnant. I was embarassed because I had tried so hard all my life to do all the "right" things. And to be a "good girl." I didn't want to disappoint anyone. What I didn't consider was that I would be disappointing my baby and God most of all. I told myself I was being strong and independent when in fact I was weak. I was taking the easy way out. I have learned since that it often takes courage to do the right thing, because it is usually the most challenging thing to do. The easy choice is often the wrong choice. After the abortion, I felt a pain unlike any I had ever felt. I felt like Eve, trying to hide my sinfulness from God. I was such a profound sense of being totally and completely alone. Like God had abandoned me. Then came the guilt. I hated myself for what I had done. I couldn't believe that I was capable of such a horrible thing. The incongruency between who I felt I was and what I had done was too great. I suffered a long and deep depression. Five years later, I married my present husband. I told him about the abortion. I was having trouble forgiving myself. When it turned out that I was not getting pregnant I went through another depression and felt that I was being punished by God. We adopted a three year old girl and two years after that; after eleven years of marriage, God let me know that he had forgiven me. I got pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful boy. (I saw him in a dream also.) Now, I feel called by God to help stop this practice of abortion. He as opened my eyes and shown me that life isn't about being "practical" rather it is about love. The love He has for us as our father, and about our sharing that love with others as we travel through life. I also feel strongly that we need to make young men take responsibility for their actions. They shouldn't just be able to walk away as if nothing has happened. They are just as responsible as women are. They need to be educated about abortion also. Click HERE to return to the edited story Click HERE to create a banner that links to this story! Your e-mail address will be kept private!
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