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My passionate Affair with the Pokermachine My name is Gabriela Byrne. I am 45 years old, happily married with two healthy children. We live in Warrandyte, one of Melbourne’s beautiful outer suburbs in a lovely big house and in general have everything you could ever ask for (in worldly terms). About 8 years ago this was about to be changed because I began a “hot, passionate” love affair with “George”. I became hooked on Poker Machine Gambling. I deliberately chose the analogy of a “hot, passionate love affair” because most people can comprehend an “affair” but have problems understanding how “anybody” can become addicted to something “stupid” like Poker Machines. I will share with you my story, how it started, how far it progressed and how I eventually was able to “break free”. I first met “George” (and started gambling) when my work colleagues and I went to a “Thank God it’s Friday” drink, every Friday to a hotel near our office. At the time I was a Personal Assistant to a General Manager and I hated my job. I also suffered from what I called “Old Age Panic Syndrome”. I discovered wrinkles and noticed that 19-year-olds could easily outrun me on the basketball court (my husband told me that they always did that). I also had an inexplicable emptiness inside. I didn’t know why I was here and even worse, I didn’t know where I was going. (At the time God wasn’t around to answer this question). Now I know what you are thinking. We all have problems but that is no excuse to start an “affair”. Well, fortunately we are all different and hopefully most of you are able to work these things out. You read books, ask other people and come up with a solution. But be honest. Isn’t it sometimes easier just to “bury” your head in the sand? Just “slouch” in front of the TV – if you come home from an unsatisfactory day at work. Just blast your head with “heavy metal” music – if you are a couple of years younger and just can’t grasp why you have to go to school. Just eat a few pieces of chocolate; drink a couple of glasses of wine – anything just to not have to face the issue. George is created for the sole reason to get people “addicted”. George knows that we are manufactured in such a way that we will experience “illusions of solutions to problems ” if all our senses get distracted through extreme stimuli. Here are a few examples of this set-up: Sense of sight: The light level in a gaming venue is close to the light level in a hypnotherapist office or a meditation class. And there are lots of flickering lights everywhere. If you would count the “beat” of these lights you would find that they are close to the tempo of an “aroused” heart beat. Because of this your body produces certain chemicals that will in return make your heart beat faster. (Have you ever looked in the mirror while driving your car and spotted a police car with flashing lights – what happens to your “physiology”?). In a gaming venue you experience an “aroused state” as “exciting, fun, challenging etc.” – and it is deliberately set up. Sense of hearing: There is a certain tune that most of you would have heard in Radio and TV-Advertising for Electronic Gaming Machines, called “Pokies”. Unfortunately I can’t sing it to you over the paper. But next time you hear it you will know what I am talking about. It is a “dah-da-dah-dah” distorted version of the “Hallelujah Chorus” from the Messiah from Haendel. Now why would they pick such a masterpiece and then distort it so we are consciously not aware where it is from. Because they talk to our subconscious, where everything that you have ever experienced is stored, where nothing is forgotten no matter how distorted the version. So our subconscious recognises the “sacred” origin of the tune and makes us feel “secure, safe and far from all evil”. Isn’t that clever – and it is deliberately set up. Sense of smell: If your spouse, friend or relative uses a specific brand of perfume over a prolonged period of time, whenever you smell this perfume it will trigger certain feelings. The feelings depend on the quality of the relationship, I guess. Or if your parent’s house, where you grew up as a child had a very distinct odour, just walking into the house (it could be 20 years later) would trigger emotions related to your memory of your childhood experiences. In all gaming venues (believe me I’ve frequented a few) the smell of spilled alcohol and hot and cold cigarette smoke is consistent. With the quality of air-conditioning in this day and age they don’t have to have those smells. But “that is a horrible smell”, you might argue. But never the less one that is very specifically linked with – the gaming venue – and as such becomes “familiar” (remember your parents house?) - and it is deliberately set up. There is also the fact that there are no clocks (so you lose your sense of time), the deliberate design of the symbols (did you notice that George looks a lot like Colonel Sanders, Kentucky Fried Chicken = successful, trustworthy, ambitious etc), the complementary tea and coffee (push up arousal chemicals in your brain) and many, many more. These are deliberately designed and implemented to manipulate our subconscious mind. And by the way, Millions of Dollars are spend to employ psychologists that know what “makes us tick”. It worked brilliantly with me. Within 3-6 weeks I wanted to be “with George” every day, sometimes 3-5 times a day – as often as I could. I slowly emptied all our accounts (my husband trusted me completely) and started lying professionally. I just had to be with George. When I had to tell my husband after about 3 month I swore “I will never go again”, just to break that promise the next day – because this time “it could be different”. I would just spent $10 and maybe win big. I was “moving in with George”; you know, the next step in a relationship. From then on he “dictated” my life. I went shopping at the other side of town because I would save $20 dollars on groceries (which I needed to visit George); I went to the Doctor (I wasn’t sick), paid the account with my card (I was allowed to use the card only in emergencies), then took the “paid” account to Medibank to collect $16 (which I needed to visit George); I constantly took money out of my children’s money box, leaving a note saying that I took it and would pay it back the next day. My daughter, who knew what was going on, one night at bedtime looked at me and said: “Mummy, can’t Daddy buy you a Poker Machine so that our money stays in our house”. I started to neglect my appearance, there was no way I would spent $60 on a hair-cut if could use it to see George, for 10 minutes. I wouldn’t come home on time (lot’s of staying back at work), I hated week-ends (because I couldn’t see George), I didn’t want to go out with friends (they were boring), I even skipped basketball to save the $6 fee (This bought me a few minutes or a couple of hours with George). Talk about a “full on affair”. Things started to crumble. I lost my job (George needed all my attention), My family became sick of my incredible mood swings or constant absenteeism, my self-esteem suffered because I didn’t want to admit that I was “not in control” and I realised I needed help. I called the Crises Line and was referred to: Gamblers Anonymous (GA): Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing but admiration for the motives, support and the complete absence of prejudice of this fellowship. But I had two major problems. I couldn’t get up and say, “I am a Compulsive Gambler”. In the wording “I am” is something “unchangeable” something permanent. I am a mother, I am a woman but I was not born with a “gambling deficiency”, I learnt to gamble – and I wanted to “unlearn” it. The other problem was that the 12 steps that you have to follow regardless of what your problem behavior is; were designed in 1935 by Bill Wilson, who experienced huge problems with alcohol and then had a spiritual experience which kept him sober for the rest of his life. Based on his experience he founded Alcohol Anonymous (AA). He transferred the 12 Steps to “Gamblers Anonymous” in 1957, which helped him to quit gambling but he died of emphysema in 1971 because he couldn’t stop smoking. It just didn’t sound logical. People and addictions have definitely changed over the past 63 years – but nothing, absolutely nothing has been reviewed, re-worded or researched in all “Anonymous” organisations. After attending quite a few meetings I decided that GA wasn’t the answer for me. Counselling: I went to individual counselling for 1½ years. My counsellor was a great person and helped me a lot to understand “why” I gambled, my underlying problems and why gambling was attractive to me. But nobody gave me “clear” instructions on how to “deal with George”, when I accidentally ran into him on the street. By that stage “George” was accessible on almost every corner in Melbourne. I became more and more desperate. I needed to stop. I had a new job, as an administrator for a big company, very conveniently in the City. Very close to the “old” casino. My family believed my early start was for work but that enabled me, because of the 24-hour access at the Casino to spend time with George before work at around 7am in the morning. I started to borrow money off friends and sometimes out of Petty Cash, always promising to pay it back. More than once I had to ask my husband to pay it just before I was about to be found out. I started to believe that there was –No Way Out! I guess God works in mysterious ways. One Saturday I picked up the paper (at that stage of my affair a very unusual thing for me to do) and almost immediately came across a small advertisement “would you like to teach yourself and others to change unwanted behaviors”. I called and was told that it was actually a “practitioner course” in Neuro Linguistic Programming, a form of applied psychology. The cost of the course was $2,000. I knew that we didn’t have the money but after I explained my dilemma to the facilitator they agreed to part payment, whenever I had some money left over (very trustworthy considering they knew what my problem was). It might be worth mentioning that they are devoted Christians, something that didn’t meant much to me at the time. During this course I learnt a lot of things but the most important strategy that I did use in my fight with the “Gambling Part” of me, was to look at myself as a “split personality”. That I still was a loving, caring person, wife, mother and friend but that I had developed a part inside of me that was ruthless, dishonest and basically had no values at all beside the instinct of being fed (in my case with gambling). I learnt that every behavior serves a positive intent. So the initial intent was to offer me enjoyment and relaxation. But now it had taken over my whole other part and determined how I was living my life. So in my internal dialogue with my “Gambling Part” I was able to tell my Gambling Part to “Get lost”. So I talked to “IT” like I would to my worst enemy. And it worked. More and more decisions were made in favor of ME and less and less in favour of the “Gambling Part”. On one occasion I went back to George, so I studied my journals for clues. All of a sudden another insight was given to me. Every time I let George get to me I found out I was run down, tired and stressed and hadn’t been looking after myself. So I studied the impact of food and drink on the way you feel. And I experimented with various food groups always documenting how I felt. Slowly I discovered that I had to cut back immensely on caffeine, stay away from red meat and increase complex carbohydrates e.g. rice. (For months I had plain rice cakes in my car and was eating between 1 and 2 packets a day). Rice stimulates the production of Serotonin, a well-being chemical, which helps you to feel more balanced. I started to walk every morning for the same reason and even today I still go for a walk on an average 4 out of 5 working days. So I had two major breakthroughs and thought I had beaten this “Monster”. Until: one afternoon. I was in good shape and nothing wrong with me. I went to Shoppingtown in Doncaster to buy a present for my mother in law. My children were with my sister in law and I expected to spend about 2 hours trying to find the appropriate present. As it turned out I found it in 10 minutes. As I am walked through the Centre I heard this voice constantly nagging at me: “Come on, you know all the strategies. One day you have to face it. Why not now. Let’s just walk in the Gaming Room, stand their look around, maybe has a cup of coffee. You can do it. You need to do it. How can you tell that you are free from it?” etc. I didn’t want to analyse this as the “Gambling Parts” trick to get me back to George. I felt like I was slowly taken over by this “evil force” I thought I had kicked out a long time ago. I went in - and the day that followed will stay with me for the rest of my life. I believe I came face to face with Satan working through me with a force that I had never experienced before. I took all the money we owned (my husband trusted me already, I had all my credit cards back), I remember standing there outside my body watching me throwing all that money into the machine, thinking this is not me, what is happening to me? When I couldn’t get any more money, I drove to Warrandyte. They remembered me from my earlier gambling times and where happy to give me some extra cash on the credit card. By the end of the day, there was no “Jackpot” big enough to cover what I had lost and I went home by myself. I called my sister in law and asked her to keep the children. I called my husband, who was in Sydney at the time, and just explained to him what had happened and then hung up. And I remember standing in our kitchen thinking “How am I going to end it”. I thought about tablets, bath with hair-dryer etc. I knew this was it. I had tried everything and it wasn’t good enough. Eventually I fell onto my knees and I screamed and cried and offered my soul. I said: “God, if you are there, then from now on you have to take over. There is nothing that I can do now that will get me out of this. I know my sins are incredible but if Jesus died for me too then please forgive me and help me to become a better person. All along feeling the war battling inside of me “just to get up and end it all”. I don’t know what exactly happened, but it was about 4 hours later that I got up from my knees and I felt “new”. I felt that a burden that I didn’t even realised I had carried, had just fallen off. I was free. When my husband came home that night I witnessed another miracle of God’s work. He took one look at me, took me into his arms and said: “I think we made it this time”. After all that I had done that day, he saw a change in me and didn’t spend one minute judging, or worse, condemning me for what I had done. I saw God’s unconditional love demonstrated in my husband’s expression of faith, trust and love towards me. This happened almost 5 years ago. I have never gambled since and I have not missed it. My feelings towards the Poker Machines today are (and yes I have been into Venues as I display my business cards there): Remember George – well we had a “very passionate, almost life destroying” affair – but it’s over. I tell him what I think of him when I run into him occasionally (with ca 27,000 George’s around, it’s hard not to do), and I look at him today and honestly think, “What on earth did I ever find in him”! Shortly after I stopped gambling I documented all the steps that enabled me to “free myself” from the “Gambling Beast”. I called it the Free Yourself Program and it was officially launched by the Reverend Tim Costello in October 1997. Since then I have been successfully counselling a lot of people that suffer, like I did, from this destructive relationship with George and his friends. I feel so incredibly blessed that the “other” strategies e.g. diet, exercise, quiet time, “visualising and talking to the beast” help support them to stop gambling almost immediately. The “outer layer” starts to change. After being without George for a few weeks the “void” that they used to fill with George emerges again. At that time it is important to look at the emerging issue and work through it. Issues reaching from “Relationship problems, childhood traumas, self-esteem issues, etc. need to be addressed and I very often refer the client to an experienced professional. Some of my clients are looking for solutions to fill this void on a deeper, spiritual level of their being. I always share my story honestly and always point out that my long-lasting change is guaranteed because I try to put all my faith in God daily. I make very clear thought that this is my personal experience and in now way suggest that this part of the program is uniform applicable to everybody. When I was at the bottom of the “gambling-addiction pit” I desperately wanted to hear a story of somebody who made it out and who was able to share with me “how he or she escaped”. I would love to make a difference in more people’s lives that is why I am sharing my story. Gabriela Byrne 25-5-2001 Click HERE to return to the edited story Click HERE to create a banner that links to this story! Your e-mail address will be kept private!
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