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I grew up in a very unstable environment. My mother drank alot, she went with other men besides my father and didn't even bother trying to hide it. When I became a teen she didn't even care if I smoked used alchol. My father was withdrawn and silent. He was a broken man and lost all interest in his family. My brother sister and I grew up pretty wild. Fortunately, we lived in the country in a very small town and we had the hand of God upon us. Keeping us from being totally destroyed. At fifteen I became pregnant. My mother seemed to take it okay. But when my oldest sister found out, she was 30 years old, it was chaos. She went around screaming and yelling that my life was over. I was ashamed, depressed, lonely. I wanted to run away, but had no where to go. Anyway, they decided that I should have an abortion. I became numb and went right along with them. I was 12 weeks. I remained numb untill the night after the abortion. I woke up in the night and reached over to pull my baby close to me, emptiness. From that moment I became severly depressed. I got saved at 17, but I wasn't prepared to be a christian. The church I attended gave no type of discipling or mentoring. I wasn't prepared for spiritual warfare. I didn't even know that spiritual warfare exsited. Satan made me think that I was unworthy of salvation. That God could never love me. I slipped into depression again. By the way everyone who supported my abortion was not there to support me through my pain and depression. They were there to critize and to treat me as if I were somehow tainted. I was alone now in my pain. I had a child 5 years after the abortion, a daughter- Emmanuelle. I married the father the following year. I had another daughter a year later. For a while I was able to bury my emotions. But they were always lurking in the background somewhere. After the birth of my third daughter. My depression resurfaced. I didn't even realize I was depressed. My husband didn't even realize anything was wrong with me. I came to the point where I felt that I was on the outside of my body watching someone else live my life. I felt that I was already dead. I went through the day saying what everyone wanted to hear hiding what was inside. I felt seperated from my body. I thought that I was crazy. One night I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I was going to kill my self. Before I did anything I went into an empty bedroom and started talking to myself asking myself why my life was the the it was. Suddenly, I turned my questions to God. All of a sudden I felt light. In a second all that pain was gone. I felt alive and free. He took my burden upon His wonerful shoulders, Christ my Lord did this. Understanding came. I had buried a deep anger deep inside me and wouldn't let it go. I didn't want to face it, but the Lord set me free. My life is totatly changed. I have never felt the same. That was over 5 years ago and I am growing closer to God. After Jesus released me the following night a dark dark shadow came near me, I believe it was Satan. I began to pray and the shadow left. I am not afraid of the evil one anymore, because "We know that anyone born of God does not continue to sin; the one who was born of God keeps him safe and the evil one cannot harm him." 1 John 5:18 I have learned to rely totally on God for my strengh. I am continuall learning how to live for the Spirit and by the Spirit. I listen to Christian radio and listen only to christian music for I need to nourish my soul. I read only christian books and literature for I have so much to learn. I have been baptized and I want to give all of me to the Lord. I feel a need to share my story with others who may be experiencing the same thing, to save them from the grips of Satan. To hopefully save little babies from the ugly lie of abortion. I think of my little unborn baby all the time, but I have Jesus now. He gives me love, peace, and strength. Satan cannot use my past now to drag me into the depts of Hell. Praise the Lord for his love and mercifullness and compassion for man. How unworthy I am of the precious blood that He shed for us. I love you Jesus, my Lord. I love you God, my Father. Click HERE to return to the edited story Click HERE to create a banner that links to this story! Your e-mail address will be kept private!
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