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All my life I had known "about" Jesus, and I had a respect for the Lord. I knew the 10 commandments, and I would say a 'basic' child's prayer every night,...but I never "knew" Jesus. I occasionally read the Bible, but it didn't always make sense. By the time I was in eighth grade, I had withdrawn into myself and I became very depressed. I had extremely low self-esteem, which was just an extra slide downward towards my becoming suicidal. The music that I was drawn to was slow, inspired by melancholy, basically...'i hate myself and i want to die' tunes. Specifically, Nirvana. Kurt Cobain was an issue in my life, I fell in love with the dead artist, and I would sit in my room with candles lit, playing his songs, longing to feel his presence, curling into the darkness, while swimming in my sadness. I bought all the Kurt t-shirts, had the books written about Him, his posters covered my room, I owned all the cds, memorized all the songs, I would even get really jealous when other girls would talk about Him, or wear Nirvana t-shirts, I was pretty messed up, and I wanted to die. I hated school, the peers, the theme, the hang ups, the clicks, the overall emptiness that accompanied the process. In eighth grade, it was bad, but in ninth grade, it got worse. In the eighth grade I had a tight grip of friends, there were about 12 of us that hung out together, by the tree. We had our common ground of music, and as 'stoners', we had the common 'grunge' attire, and all of them were potheads...but there was never any pressure. I smoked weed, because 'I' was curious, and oddly enough, I hated every minute of being 'high'...so that was it. But it didn't matter how much my friends appreciated me, or how many 'buddy letters' we would write back and forth in Science class, I still had a vacant gap in my heart...and I didn't know how to get rid of the pain, the deep ache that it gave me, I could only think of how to 'end' it. None of my friends knew just how depressed I was, I suppose I cried out for help at times when I would give hints of my suicidal imagination, while we'd just sit around and talk about life. But what could they have done anyway? Everyone knew about my 'obsession' with Kurt Cobain, and they supported it, they knew just how psycho I was. I would never hurt anyone though, I was more likely to implode, than explode. And the anger, and hatred that people put off, just piled within my mind, constructing a self-destruction. In ninth grade, everyone went a different way, my best friend since 3rd grade was going to Chino High, and the rest were going to Montclair High, So I made the decision to transfer with my best friend, we'd grown up together. So now, after the summer vacation was over, I was in a new school, with new groups of people, not knowing anyone except for my best friend. And eventhough we tried our hardest to get the most classes together that we could, it turned out we only got one. So now, I became more withdrawn, now in addition to my list of 'reasons to die', loneliness became my new foe, and it knew me well. I've never been really outgoing when it comes to meeting new people, and at this time in my life, my antisocial behavior didn't help any. I began to cry...EVERYDAY. It was by now a routine action, my emptiness was now a festering wound. My mom had heard every excuse from me, when it came to trying to get out of going to school (or as I refered to it, "Hell"). It wasn't that I was lazy, it was just the pain that it gave me to endure another day of 'torture';loneliness, emptiness, depression, crying, and just the pain. During my first period (typing class) I would start to cry in the middle of class, I would long to just get out of there and go home where I felt better, comfortable. One morning after being picked up for school by my best friend's brother (like every morning) and seeing that my best friend wasn't there;...hence: I would spend the day alone, I decided to take the day off. We were sitting in the long line to the student parking lot, I told her brother I had to go, as I got out of the car and just started walking away from school. I had no definate destination, maybe I'd go to Montclair High to see all my friends that I missed so much? I couldn't understand, but by a divine revelation, all of a sudden, I 'KNEW' that I needed GOD! Why I started off on my little journey, was because I needed to fill that HOLE that had been devouring me for so long, I had passed my breaking point....and suddenly it was completly clear, I needed God!!! Why would I think this all of a sudden??? No one ever told me I 'needed' God. But I KNEW it. So as God would have it, a friend of the family's saw me wandering down Central Ave. She asked me where I was going and if I needed a ride? I said I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't need a ride. And I knew as soon as she left, that she would let my Mom know that her daughter was roaming the streets aimlessly. So I just sat at the nearest bus stop bench, and soon enough, my Mom came around the corner in the car and pulled beside me yelling at me to get in! I understood why she was furious, she was worried, scared what might have happened to her daughter, which she figured was in school, had not a friend informed her otherwise. But I wasn't scared, I felt very safe, I was never alone to begin with. So naturally my Mom drove me back to school, and as she made her way there, I cried begging her to take me home instead! She protested for awhile, but sensed the reality of the pain I felt. She asked what was wrong with me?, what could be done?, if I needed to go to Montclair High instead? I told her through my crying, that I needed God. She didn't understand it anymore than I did. But she did take me home with the agreement that I'd call a Pastor, someone, anyone who could help me! I said fine. So I got home and called some Church from the Phone book and talked to a Pastor about how I was feeling and what was going on. About how I hated school, and I felt completly lonely. He told me that I needed to get involved and meet people,...He didn't help me at all, none of His words sustained my sadness. I needed the real thing! That was Oct.4'95, I remember it precisely. The next month was still rough, but when my Mom found out about a suicide letter I had planned, the 'behavior watch' began, I was at my Dad's house in the Mountains when she had called him to let him know about what she had discovered. He took me for a drive and stopped to talk about what I had been keeping to myself. My suicidal perspective. We both wept as I tried to tell Him it wasn't because of Divorce, it was all me. After everything was out on the table, things were more bearable in school. It's clear now, that God had been paving out the rubble, and drying my eyes. So soon enough, that summer, my best friend invited me to a Christian Camp with her Church. I had never even been to Church with her once, and yet all of a sudden the invitation arose. First I really didn't want to go, but somehow I ended up there with my best friend. The first couple days were hard, I got homesick, and I felt trapped. And the next day, we were outside and a Pastor had said,"some of you came here against your will, but GOD has other plans for you!" right when He said that I knew he was speaking to me. The following days were awesome, at the camp there weren't any t.v.'s or radios, nothing artificial to distract us from HIS presence. We all met in the sanctuary 3 times a day, and by midweek I could feel the strong pull on my soul...GOD's Holy Spirit was calling me to come and taste of what GOD has to give!!! During a service, a Pastor said that the cure for depression, is the WORD OF GOD! I took note of that:) On thursday, my best friend had a fever during the night service so she was lying down, and I found myself being ushered to the front rows of the sanctuary. I really didn't feel comfortable at first, but that feeling went away within seconds. I began raising my hands freely praising GOD. That service lasted 2-3hrs. and during the altar call I stayed in the front, with my eyes closed as others placed their hands on me, praying for me. I didn't open my eyes as all the Pastors laid hands on me, praying. But the strangest thing was, everytime, right before a Pastor would place their hands on my head, I would see a light. So soon enough, I knew within a second after I would see a light, a Pastor would lay hands on me...and it never failed. The anointed Men of GOD were vessels for the Holy Spirit. I prayed for Jesus to come into my Soul, and take away my pain, for His love and grace to overcome me. I began to speak in tongues, the Holy Spirit freely within me, and that was awesome!!! To just let myself go! It felt like electricity running through my body! I felt as close to heaven right there at that moment, than is humanly possible while on earth!!! I was weeping, but not the way I always had,...I felt a deep joy, and no longer was there that HOLE that had always been, it was overcome,...filled. I don't know how long I stood there praising GOD through tears. But I know I was the 3rd to last person to leave the sanctuary that night, out of about 300 teens. If I could have stayed there, feeling the overwhelming joy that I was feeling, experiencing GOD's deep love, and being filled with HIS Spirit, I wouldn't want to leave ever!!! But now, if I were feeling such joy like that all the time and being in such a heavenly bliss, being kissed by the Holy Spirit....I wouldn't be on earth anymore, because that's what heaven is for!!! :) So I can't wait! It has now been 3yrs, 3mths, & 12days, since I got Saved that Aug. night. Not a day since has been regretted, too difficult to endure, or in any way torturous! Jesus has been walking with Me, loving me tenderly, and continually showing me His wonders, and the evidence of His presence is utterly devout! He saved my life! And I say that with literal TRUTH. I don't see it any other way!!! How could you? I know first hand the Power of Jesus Christ, his awesome unconditional love, His Grace, His guidance, and His promises. Praise be to God, He's so very worthy. I owe Him my Life, afterall, it wasn't until I Knew Him, that I began to truly LIVE. Love in CHRIST, amanda. ______________________________________________________ Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com Click HERE to return to the edited story Click HERE to create a banner that links to this story! Your e-mail address will be kept private!
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