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MY MOTHER LEFT ME WHEN I WAS 3 MONTHS OLD. MY GRANDMOTHER RAISED ME OFF AND ON TIL I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD. (DAD HAD PASSED US AROUND FROM ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER TRYING HIS BEST TO SUPPLY US WITH A DECENT HOME) AFTER THAT I WAS RAISED BY MY STEP-MOM AND MY DAD TIL I WAS 17 WHEN THEY KICKED ME OUT ON MY OWN. MY PARENTS NEVER REMEMBERED MY BIRTHDAY UNTIL I WAS 30 YEARS OLD. I FELT REJECTED, UNLOVED, UNWANTED, UNWORTHY, ETC... THIS CAUSED BITTERNESS, JEALOUSY, INSECURITY, ANGER, AND SELF-CONDEMNATION. I COULDN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN MY OWN EYES SO I WAS CONVINCED I COULD DO NO RIGHT IN ANYONE ELSE'S EYES. I COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND HOW ANY WOMAN COULD LEAVE HER 3 MONTH OLD BABY. THAT JUST DIDN'T HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE. (ESPECIALLY NOT IN 1960) I FELT SO BETRAYED BY THAT THAT I COULDN'T DEAL WITH LIFE. ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE LOVED... I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I TRIED MY BEST TO MAKE MYSELF PERFECT AND SMART SO PEOPLE WOULD LIKE ME AND SO THEY WOULD LOVE ME AND WANT TO BE AROUND ME. I WAS SO LONELY I COULDN'T STAND IT. I WOULD GET DEPRESSED AND I WOULD CRY AND CRY AND CRY. I WAS SO IRRITABLE THAT PEOPLE WOULD SAY, "WE SAW YOU WERE IN ONE OF YOUR MOODS SO WE KNEW JUST TO STAY AWAY FROM YOU AND GIVE YOU YOUR SPACE" I'M SURPRISED I HAVE ANY FRIENDS AT ALL FOR THE WAY I TREATED THEM. I COULDN'T EVEN LOVE MYSELF LET ALONE BELIEVE ANYONE COULD POSSIBLY LOVE ME; INCLUDING JESUS. I KNEW GOD LOVES EVERYONE BUT I FELT LIKE I WAS THE EXCEPTION... I DIDN'T FEEL WORTHY OF HIS LOVE. GOD WOULD DEAL WITH ME AND DEAL WITH ME AND DEAL WITH ME OVER THIS BUT I JUST DIDN'T GET IT. THEN ABOUT A MONTH AGO OUR SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER WAS TEACHING ON OUR ATTITUDES AND HOW WE CAN'T HAVE A ROOT OF BITTERNESS BECAUSE THAT IS DEADLY. (SHE WAS ACTUALLY TEACHING ON WHAT COMES OUT OF THE MOUTH AND HOW DESTRUCTIVE OR HOW UPLIFTING IT CAN BE) THAT HIT MY SPIRIT AND I LOOKED AT MYSELF... OH, WHAT AN UGLY PICTURE I SAW. HERE I WAS A DEACONESS, A GOSPEL SINGER, A MINISTER IN THE CHURCH (NOT PREACHER: MINISTER) AND I HAD THIS BIG OLD UGLY ROOT IN MY HEART. I STARTED SEEKING GOD FOR DELIVERANCE BECAUSE I JUST KNEW I COULDN'T GO ANY FARTHER WITH THIS THING IN MY HEART. GOD STARTED SHOWING ME HOW HE WAS "WEEDING HIS GARDEN" AND HOW WE GET THINGS ROOTED IN OUR HEARTS AND THEY DESTROY US. GOD WANTS TO BE THE ONLY ROOT IN OUR HEARTS. I CRIED OUT AND CRIED OUT TO GOD FOR DELIVERANCE... I JUST KNEW I COULDN'T GO ONE MORE DAY WITH THE TORMENT OF THE JEALOUSY AND THE INSECURITY THAT THIS THING CAUSED. THEN GOD TOLD ME THAT I WAS AT A STAND STILL AND THAT I COULD NOT GO ANY HIGHER UNTIL I HAD MY WILL BROKEN AND WAS DELIVERED OF THIS THING. I WAS DEVASTATED. I CRIED ALL DAY LONG AND PRAYED AND TOLD GOD HOW HE KNEW I DIDN'T WANT THESE THINGS IN MY HEART AND THAT I DIDN'T WANT MY WILL BUT ONLY HIS. THEN WE SANG ISAIAH 40:31. YOU KNOW... THEY THAT WAIT UPON THE LORD SHALL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH; THEY SHALL MOUNT UP WITH WINGS AS EAGLES: THEY SHALL RUN AND NOT BE WEARY; THEY SHALL WALK, AND NOT FAINT. THEN TEACH ME LORD, TEACH ME LORD TO WAIT. I SAID OK LORD, IT MAY NOT HAPPEN TODAY BUT IT WILL HAPPEN IN YOUR TIMING. THEN AS I WAS SINGING PRAISES UNTO GOD HE TOUCHED ME AND DELIVERED ME AND HEALED MY BROKEN HEART. HE TOUCHED MY MIND AND HE TOUCHED MY HEART AND NOW I'M DELIVERED AND SET FREE AND I JUST WANT TO PRAISE HIM FOR THAT. I WAS LIKE THE WOMAN WITH THE ISSUE OF BLOOD (MARK 5:30) I HAD TO GET HEALED. I COULDN'T GO ON WITHOUT IT. Click HERE to return to the edited story Click HERE to create a banner that links to this story! Your e-mail address will be kept private!
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